You #2 – Miss You

I was sitting at a bar, with three very unlikely bar companions, listening to a band playing live music.  It felt like just another normal night in the city of insanity, where its dwellers indulge in making money during the day and enjoy what money has to offer during the night.

I was on my third drink, the band was playing classic rock songs, and I was chatting it up with my unlikely bar companions.  I was discussing the band’s quality with one of them, and explaining, essentially, what music is, with another.

Then they played that song.

It didn’t strike me right away.  But when they reached the chorus, I felt a strange sensation, somewhere in my heart, and it manifested itself into a strong emotion.  A sense of longing to be with someone.  A feeling I haven’t experienced in quite a while.

I miss you more than I would admit.

It’s stupid.  It’s uncalled for, and it’s completely unecessary.  Why do I feel like this about you? Just when I thought I have wiped you from my head, you pop back up like a lightbulb, shining in my face as if to say “I’m right here!”

Our magic was so long ago I can barely remember.  Sometimes I wonder if there was any magic at all, or if it was more of a split-second spark.

I shouldn’t miss you, not for a second.  There’s nothing about you that I should miss.  I should hate you, really.  But that’s not what I’m feeling right now.

Oh well.

You

You were one of my best friends, if not the best friend.  And you let me down.

You stood me up / bailed / chickened / wussed out, three weeks in a row.  How can you do this to anyone, let alone one of your best friends?

You made a commitment to do something and didn’t follow through.  When you agree on doing something, especially when it comes to performing music, you have to commit to it.  You don’t just promise someone and get all fired up the night before, only to crash and burn before the performance even begins.

When you promise someone you’d do something, no matter how anxious you feel leading up to it, you have to do it, or you let that someone down.

Just suck it up and do it.

You let yourself down, and you let me down.

Many have told me that your failures are none of my business.  But because we were going to perform together, it became my business because I had to be mentally ready to perform with you material that’s different from my own.  I had to care about how we’d sound.  I sacrificed time to rehearse my own songs in order to get our songs ready.  And it all went down the drain.

Every week you go “okay, let’s do this.  Next week, we’re gonna do this.”  And I go, “alright!” And every single fucking time, on the day of the performance, you go “I can’t do this.”

I almost smashed my phone when, once again, I was struck with a text message that read “nah man, I can’t do this.”  I was too disappointed and upset to keep a cool head.  Time and again, one full-of-shit claim after another, I still fell for your musical enthusiasm knowing that your performance anxiety will get the best of you.

I tried to be empathetic and understanding, but it’s gotten to the point where  the same shit happens every fucking time.  I mean, seriously? It’s the simple notion that when you promise someone you’d do something, you do it.  You don’t just back out of it because of rattled nerves.

Do you think that any of the other performers don’t get performance anxiety on their first time? or they 80th time? Performance anxiety is always there.  The only way to overcome it is with good preparation and fight through it.  We prepared for a month.

You made me angry.  Not a lot of people can make me angry.  There’s my mom, and… my mom, and you.

You’re fucking pathetic.

I feel sorry for you.  I really do.  I hope you don’t do this to your other friends, because I’d feel sorry for them, too.

Alone and Alone

Suddenly I feel my heart being clenched, by a grip so strong that my heart beat was no longer.  A hot surge throughout my body filled me with melancholy and anger.

I don’t usually encounter the ‘shit hits the fan’ scenario, but over the past few days it has become apparent that my patient demeanor was to be tested.  I will not be able to finish a long-time music with my band mate because I have to leave the city in a few weeks.  My band’s performance has been canceled because one of the performers is busy with work.  One friend has completely stopped talking to me.  Another talks to me and brushes me off whenever she wants.

There is nothing left for me here.  Well, almost nothing.

I mean, come on, are there any such thing as commitments anymore? We had agreed to commit to perform, and now he’s canceling, which means we’re canceled.  Obviously these performances don’t mean as much to him as they do to me, oh well.

She has barely spoken a word to me since I came back from vacation.  Right before I left she was still professing her attraction to me.  And now, absolutely nothing.  I don’t know what’s wrong with her.  I’m sure I didn’t say anything to anger her before I left.  She’s decided that she doesn’t even want me as a friend.  Frankly, I’m disappointed.  But oh well, her loss.

Why should I even care about her? She’ll talk to me whenever she likes, and then just leaves conversations without the slightest bit of notice.  Her mannerisms are completely dictated by her moods.  I don’t know why I put myself through listening to her talking about her personal life, disdainful and pathetic as it is.  It’s the confessions of a person in denial of what she desperately wants.  But she’ll never have, as long as she continues her current antics.