Alone and Alone

Suddenly I feel my heart being clenched, by a grip so strong that my heart beat was no longer.  A hot surge throughout my body filled me with melancholy and anger.

I don’t usually encounter the ‘shit hits the fan’ scenario, but over the past few days it has become apparent that my patient demeanor was to be tested.  I will not be able to finish a long-time music with my band mate because I have to leave the city in a few weeks.  My band’s performance has been canceled because one of the performers is busy with work.  One friend has completely stopped talking to me.  Another talks to me and brushes me off whenever she wants.

There is nothing left for me here.  Well, almost nothing.

I mean, come on, are there any such thing as commitments anymore? We had agreed to commit to perform, and now he’s canceling, which means we’re canceled.  Obviously these performances don’t mean as much to him as they do to me, oh well.

She has barely spoken a word to me since I came back from vacation.  Right before I left she was still professing her attraction to me.  And now, absolutely nothing.  I don’t know what’s wrong with her.  I’m sure I didn’t say anything to anger her before I left.  She’s decided that she doesn’t even want me as a friend.  Frankly, I’m disappointed.  But oh well, her loss.

Why should I even care about her? She’ll talk to me whenever she likes, and then just leaves conversations without the slightest bit of notice.  Her mannerisms are completely dictated by her moods.  I don’t know why I put myself through listening to her talking about her personal life, disdainful and pathetic as it is.  It’s the confessions of a person in denial of what she desperately wants.  But she’ll never have, as long as she continues her current antics.

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